God is not silent. He is at work.

These past few days I have still been digesting on what God fed me a few days ago about removing certain layers on my heart. I wanted to write about it sooner but I did not have it all processed -- I still do not.

I had the blessing of being able to share with Shel what God had been laying on my heart. As our time in fellowship continued the Holy Spirit showed up and took over. He spoke truth into my soul while in my mind I was thinking, "Gosh I wish I never .....and...join...that........and.... to allow God to start this new process in my life......... I wish I never allowed for him to rock my heart....." because things were really starting to feel real uncomfortable. In my heart, soul, and mind I knew God was doing a job of transformation. I did not want it because I wanted to be comfortable inside of my own shell.

This is when the Holy Spirit showed up and guided me into truth like Jesus said when he promised the Holy Ghost - our Advocate in John 16. I was told that it was about holiness and the pursuing of our Lord Jesus Christ. (All of life comes down to just one thing that is to know Jesus and to make him known) The gifts of God come secondary to that. The will of God is my sanctification. God's will was happening during my feeling of discomfort. Holiness is not of my nature; therefore, there will be a feeling of discomfort along with it.

This process that God was doing in my heart these past few days have been painful. It makes me want to crawl into a ball and just flee from it. I've been crying Father this really hurt. I want you to stop and just be done with me.

These past 2 days I have been looking at the book of Hebrews and God just spoke through it. He said my son, I know. I have done the same with your brothers. (Joseph, David and many others) Look at my own Son - Jesus. Run with preseverance for the race that I have set before you. Fix your eyes on Christ - he is the perfector of your faith. For the joy set before him (you and the rest of your brothers), he endured the cross. He scorned its shame. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners. So that you will not grow weary.

He said to me, my son do not make light of my discipline. Do not lose heart when I rebuke you. I discipline you because I love you. I am working on you so that you may share in my holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. I am working on your character. Do not sell your inheritance like Esau did for a bowl of soup.

In your pain - do not be afraid to come before me. Do not let my holiness scare you. I am your father. I am the one who has redeemed you from death. This Kingdom that you have been adopted into is the city of the living God - the holy Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of righteous made perfect - to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to sprinkled blood that speaks a better word.

Surely God is good. He is not dead, but is alive! For a while I have wanted to feel Christ again because my heart has felt like it has not fellowshipped with Him for so long. He is here is now roaring like a lion inside my heart. My brothers and sisters - remember that we are meant to be sharpened for holiness and not here to be seated on the throne - to be given what we want.

I just got circumcised today...Spirtually...

Today my Jesus ripped some chains that I've told him repeatedly that I did not want removed. He was in pursuit for my heart and had never intended to give up. YAHWEH pierced my heart today because he made a promise a long time ago when he said that he would finish the work that he started in me.

I have fallen to deeply in love with the world again. I was too in love with dream of having my first girlfriend. I was too in love with one day getting married to a Godly woman. I was too in love with the idea of enjoying God's gift of sex and children more than I was in love with Christ - the giver of every good gift.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a book called The Cost of Discipleship and in his book there a quote that I've memorized. He writes that, “When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die." When I thought about my dreams I thought about how Christ did not have my whole heart and that was when I knew something needed to change. I needed God to remove my dream from my heart. I needed to ask God to make his dreams my dreams. I needed to decrease and Jesus needed to increase. There had to be none of me and all of Him.

The crazy thing was that God had started this process 3 days ago. A friend sent me a text to read Romans 2. When I read about how it is the circumcision of the heart that makes a person a true Jew - I was in my heart and my mind just declaring to the Lord Amen. I believe it was because the Holy Spirit was at work. The Holy Spirit was preparing my heart for a removal of self.

God cause my eyes to see how the world has nothing good to offer. Cause my eyes, my heart, and my mind to see, to feel, and to believe and know that it is you along who offer good and perfect gifts. Force your servant to think and to feel differently because he wants to cling onto those chains. Set him free. Amen